Volcanoes. Boiling inside me. Triggered by the mundane, others would laugh it off. Maybe smoke it in their lungs and out. Tar scarring an imprint. For some, a drink is all the fun, dizzying the mind away from pain. Hang over and next thing you know, it’s come back to haunt you. Think I’ve found the remedy, my own personal therapy. Not certified. When madness is on the run, speed on the motorway. Maximum. Seatbelt. Head lights and tails always to be avoided. When you’re absolutely, most certainly sure you’re all alone, roll down your window. If not too cold, all four. Full attention. Here’s the secret sauce. Bite your tongue until your eyes sting with tears. Blood shot. Take a deep breath. Hold. Exhale while screaming in full volume. Diaphragm. Put some muscle into it. Repeat and repeat until there is no voice left, not even a hum. Warning. If a car approaches dangerously near, act normal. Emptiness, you should be feeling, lighter now. Nostrils flare the last remains of fire. Eyes focus on the road ahead. Hands behind the wheel. For the first time in hours, you notice that you have no destination. Your journey has just begun.
‘The only thing I know is that I know nothing’- Socrates
Sometimes our voices have no way to know which way to go. There is silence and then there are dreams that cling onto our throats unexpressed. Like ghosts our own thoughts haunt us, and what we are left with is time. To think. To know. To think we know. The clock slows down as we sit and wait for an answer. And so we wait, we keep on waiting. Until the day, when all the things we want to know become known to us. In knowing we grow, and in growth we go back to not knowing again.
The best way to feel is to not feel at all. At least that’s how it seems when you’re in the deep end, gasping for air. Try as you might, there is no way to free your mind.
The rebels of the world fight for peace, holding doves above the skies of blindfolded eyes. They ask them to dream, “Do you dream?”
“I can see the way you see, but the question always is, has always been, can you see the way I see?”
Let us stop fooling ourselves, we don’t picture the world in butterflies and unicorns. The luckiest of us get away with just a bruise or two, but for the most of us it’s far more worse. Absence of heart is the way you get hurt.
So take my advice, if you want to make it out alive. Let things roll as they come and go. There is no way to control, I’m letting you know, there is no way to control. Not a person, nor a place, not your tomorrow, never your today. I can’t have what I always want, and that’s okay, I guess. On most days, when the spoiled child cranking up inside has had it’s chocolate for the day. Yes, life is tough, and we do cry over spilled milk, but please grow up. It’s time for us to step into responsibility with a sense of youth. I would never ask you to age, for God’s sake. Please, do play.
But most of all, I do pray, you fall in love with everything around you.
📷: Yosemite National Park, California
It takes a lot out of us. Communication. Feels like an endless battle of shape and form. This is my point of view and that one is yours, but who’s to prove what’s true. Certainly not me. In whatever way you change your perception you never know when you’re making the right move. Playing poker you’re staring straight into someone’s energy field. Their hand gestures, even the slightest twitch on their left eyebrow will hint to you a direction of play. Are they bluffing? Can we ever know? On the river, the last card is a deuce. With two twos in their hands your Queens are mucked, and all because you didn’t trust your instinct. Deep down you knew all along. You should have folded when you still had the chance. Win or lose is always the game we play.
📷: Las Vegas, Nevada
If ever you were to fall in love with a rose, dare not pluck it. For its petals long will lose their fragrance. Sooner will its stem lose its strength. Even more, soon will its roots forget the dirt from which they came. Thorns will it shed, unable to protect itself. Wither, it will fade away. If ever you were to fall in love with a rose, still let it be. Still let it be.
You’re in a relationship, something isn’t clicking. You enjoy each other’s company, there are good days and some days, well let’s say they’re just…okay. You eat in silence, because there’s not much to talk about. Some nights you find yourself getting up and staring up at the ceiling, hoping that all the doubt you feel inside will be resolved by some kind of miracle. Divine intervention. You pray that your dreams will satisfy you, because the emptiness you feel inside is way too much to bear. There’s something missing but you can’t quite figure out what it is. You can definitely feel it. The reality of the void hits you rock bottom. The heaviness of your stomach rises like a solid to your throat, it sticks to you like a chronic cold. You’re fevering up but you still can’t find the courage to move on. Afraid to hurt yourself or is it another? Honesty is the greatest commitment. You can’t pretend to be something you never were meant to be. Nor can you fool yourself any longer. What you feel is real and moving forward is the only way to heal. You can’t drag someone else along with you. In love, we take no hostages. The only casualties that remain at the end of a battle are our own selves. We pick ourselves up and mend our wounds alone. That is the only way to find our way back home. The journey is always a long and lonely one, but in the end no matter what we will find ourselves. Just like it was in the beginning, so we find ourselves in the end. To the self the great return.
I know it to be true. There is a way to break this spell, cast by thousands of lives. I am paying for the sins of my fathers and mothers. The blood in my hands, dripping in lines. Spiralling in any direction, never pointing the way. Always a battle, the way of the world. I am moving forwards, I can feel it in my steps that hinder so. I can hear the beat of my heart, it is asking me to calm my mind. The noise too broken to comprehend. I feel the music silence me to the stillness of breath, and yet somewhere down below the cold night beckons me to doubt my instinct. The gut, my eternal Sun. I taste the brightness drawing closer to my spirit. It is lighting me to change. I am to become something entirely new. Teardrops pray up to the sky for answer. Confession, in no other color but violet. Rising up is the only way.
The way we turn with no return. Regrets, we miss the ones we love most.
A chance they say is a gift of life, the only way to to start over again.
Back to the beginning, never the end.
There’s no pretending we’ve every won this battle of ours.
But still, we try, we always will.
Until the sight of the brightest light, we will journey tunnels of the dark.
And come the day we break free, I will find my way back to you.
As we swim our way over the next coming months, let us take the ocean with us…connecting to its ongoing flow…keeping calm and letting go… Special thanks to my genius sister Alexandra for filming & editing but most of all for making my spoken poetry video dreams come true.
Waves how they come and go Never know where they’ll take you Waves how they swim their way Kissing the sun awake Blessing the moon goodnight That is their fate Flow how they glow I will dance in wave Pray I grow as one with it And while I’m dreaming I’ll wash the shore Until I am no more Not me Nor he Never she I am a wave A wave I am A wave I’ll always be.